


if things were different

by hoeforharrypotter



Series: prongsfoot [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Best Friends, Bisexual James Potter, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Child Abuse, Dirty Talk, Eventual James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Firewhiskey (Harry Potter), First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Freeform, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gay Sirius Black, Hickeys, Hogwarts, Imperius, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kissing, Love, M/M, Male Friendship, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Masturbation, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Mistletoe, Mutual Masturbation, Period-Typical Homophobia, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, Pureblood Culture (Harry Potter), Romantic Soulmates, Sad Ending, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Slice of Life, Underage Kissing, Unforgivable Curses (Harry Potter), Unresolved Romantic Tension, mentions of abuse, very mild dubcon kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 13:13:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15950072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoeforharrypotter/pseuds/hoeforharrypotter
Summary: Five times James and Sirius kissed and one time they didn't[ you never did see one without the other ]





	if things were different

**1974**

Walburga pulled the skinny end of Sirius's tie much too hard. He swallowed, jaw tight. The lace from her hat was scratchy against Sirius's jaw as she inspected his shoulders for lint and other imperfections that Kreacher couldn't be trusted to detect. "What are you going to say when the Malfoys ask about your post-graduation plans?" she drilled him suddenly.

"I'm undecided but will most likely follow in the footsteps of my father." Sirius replied dully, leaving out that his father's wealth entitled him to a life without employment. He caught the side of his reflection in the mirror and cracked his neck loudly, wincing as he did.

"Don't you dare do that in front of Abraxas," Walburga hissed, and the loud _smack_ of flesh against flesh echoed through the hall as she slapped Sirius, open-palmed, across the face. His head moved with her hand, offering no resistance. He drifted back to his original stance, posture immaculate and eyes forward. "What do you say to me?" she demanded.

"Yes, mother." Sirius said clearly.

Walburga's eyes burned, dark and beady. "Go and tell Regulus and Orion that we're leaving," she snapped at Kreacher. The pale house-elf bowed and slunk away, reverent. Sirius swallowed the bile rising in his throat as his mother turned back to him. "If you embarrass me - if you put a damned toe out of line - don't think I won't hex it off. And no matter what, never - "

"Mention Gryffindor." Sirius finished flatly. He bit back, _I know, you repugnant hag._

Walburga rapped her wand against her hand. "Don't you forget it."

Pureblood functions drained the life out of Sirius. He’d made a fuss about the last one and absently rubbed the white scar along his collarbone. 

The Apparation was unpleasant, as always. Orion held Sirius's arm too tightly and he felt the muscles underneath his father's dark robes. Malfoy Manner was hosting this event, and it was raining when the Blacks arrived. Sirius had long since perfected his poker face and made no complaint during the trek across the (almost obscenely large) lawn.

 _"Siccus,"_ Walburga muttered at the door of the manner. Sirius felt a blast of hot air, and a moment later, his robes were dry. The heavy knocker that Sirius had once been too small to reach was now at eye level, and Sirius grasped the cast-iron with familiarity. It only took one knock before the heavy doors swung open, revealing the thin, unmatronly figure of Circe Malfoy. She didn't smile, but greeted Walburga with the same enthusiasm of a child waving off a formerly estranged uncle: an awkward, clutching hug, broken eye contact, a slightly upturned nose. 

Sirius recognized this as her default persona. He saw the resemblance to her son, though she was more watery.

"Come in, come in." Circe said softly. She said everything softly. Sirius wondered if she was terminally ill. "Oh, Reg, you're so tall. Sirius." She nodded at him without comment. "Orion, Abe is in - oh, he's somewhere - he's entertaining our other guests. You're late." She didn't say it accusingly - instead, she almost sounded apologetic.

"Yes, yes, you know how it is with boys - never want to put dress robes on." Walburga shot Sirius a glare. Sirius absently brushed his cheek with his hand, feeling the phantom sting of a slap.

"Lucius never fusses," Circe said absently, and Sirius had to bite the inside of his cheek to avoid bursting into laughter as Walburga's face contorted into an unnatural smile. Conversely, Orion stood, stony-faced, by the hatstand in the enormous foyer.

"How nice," Walburga told Circe. Sirius looked down, fighting to keep a smile at bay, though he quickly resumed his normal stance as Orion cleared his throat.

"I'll go catch up with Abraxas, then." The warlock's tone made it clear that he had no desire to continue the strained conversation. "Sirius, Regulus - go and find Lucius, won't you?" It was not phrased as an option.

Sirius didn't bother to ask his brother to follow him as he wove through a gaggle of witches discussing each other's hats. Regulus always stayed in a corner close to a corner table, and his fidelity to this strategy was unwavering. Sirius doubted Fiendfyre could make Regulus socialize.

Lucius was a few years Sirius's senior, but he might as well have been born in a different generation from the way he acted. He'd graduated Hogwarts a few terms ago, for which Sirius was grateful. As a student, he was annoying; as Head Boy, unbearable. Sirius had clapped extra loud when he'd graduated, earning him a funny look from James.

Knowing that Lucius would want nothing to do with him, Sirius resigned himself to finding an empty room and waiting the evening out. He hadn’t bothered getting his hopes up that the Potters would show. 

The Potters might’ve been part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, but they didn’t act like it. Their entire direct line was Gryffindor, for one. 

Sirius had been slumped against the inside of a high mahogany door, bored out of his mind for maybe a half-hour when someone pushed it open from the other side. “Sirius, are you in here?” an awkward voice half-whispered. 

Sirius stifled a shout. “James! Bloody hell, I didn’t know you were coming!” he laughed. He scrambled to his feet and feigned punching James in the side, blocking, ducking. He’d missed this sort of stupid, easy interaction. “Mate, how long have you been in here?” James wondered. 

“Not long.” Sirius grinned. He could’ve waited forever if it meant James would show up. He pulled his wand out of his pocket. “Look what I snuck out of mum’s drawer,” he said sing-song. 

“No way! Blow something up.” James ordered instantly. Sirius laughed. 

“I have a better idea,” Sirius teased, waving his wand carelessly. “You know how before the break we were studying Unforgivables?” 

“Yeah, are we going to kill your mum?” 

“Don’t I wish. I was thinking we could try _imperio_ on each other,” he continued, knowing it wouldn’t faze James at all. “Since, you know, they said it wouldn’t really work since we’re not skilled enough.” 

“That would be so cool! Imagine just - like if McGonagall was picking up essays, and you hadn’t done it, and you could just hex her into picking them up tomorrow? Wicked.” Indeed, James wasn’t fazed by the idea at all. He kicked off his loafers and started jumping on the loveseat by the window. 

“Wicked,” Sirius agreed, though privately he thought that would be a monumentally stupid idea, which probably made it appeal to James even more. “D’you want to try it first?” 

“What, with your wand?” James asked. 

“Yeah, sure. It’s not like you haven’t used it before.” 

James nodded and Sirius tossed him his wand. James ran his fingers reverently over the cryptic grooves. His head shot up. “Do I just point and say it?” 

Sirius shivered slightly. They’d been together for under five minutes and were already on the verge of breaking the law. “Yeah, and on the off chance it works, try not to kill me.” 

“No promises,” James grinned cheekily. He assumed a dueling stance (looking rather foolish, perched atop the loveseat, but made up for in confidence) and muttered, “Imperio!” 

No sparks or colors issued from the wand. Sirius felt like he’d just smelled a strong soap. He shook his head and the feeling disappeared. 

James focused on him intently. “Say, ‘James Potter has better hair than me,’” he commanded after a moment’s thought. 

Sirius went doe-eyed. James’s face lit up. “James Potter…” Sirius began, and James hopped down off the loveseat and watched Sirius’s face eagerly. “Is an arrogant prick,” Sirius finished dreamily, and James scowled. 

“You try it, then,” he snapped, tossing Sirius’s wand back at him. 

Sirius pointed his wand toward James with pronounced deftness. “Imperio,” he said loftily, with the confidence of a wizard who’d used it a thousand times. 

A funny look came across James’s face. He frowned. Sirius cocked his head. “Mate, is it working?” 

“What?” 

“The spell.” 

“Oh...well, it must be.” James seemed a little confused. “Yeah, it’s working a little. Kind of a weak spell.” 

“Spell your name.” 

James screwed up his eyes. “H-A-N-D-S-O-M-E.” 

“Oh, shut up,” Sirius said without thinking. 

At that, James grabbed his throat. He didn’t appear able to produce sounds and panicked a little. “I mean,” Sirius continued quickly. “Just, you can talk. Jesus.” 

“The hell’s going on?” James burst out, sounding strained. He started giggling. “Make me do something. I’ll try not to.” 

“Do a handstand,” Sirius ordered. 

James did not do a handstand. He appeared mildly constipated but did not do a handstand. 

This went on for a little while. Sirius tried to persuade James to do increasingly stupid things to no avail. “Do a backflip. Kick the door out. Set the house on fire. Write Lily a letter saying she’s a bogey hag. Go out and punch my mum.” 

“Be careful, I might actually,” James laughed. The spell appeared to be wearing off. 

“Thank God Remus isn’t here or he’d have us do something really awful,” Sirius commented. 

“Yeah, he’d probably make me snog you,” James agreed with exaggerated disgust. 

At that, they laughed uproariously. But Sirius became aware of how close they were and tilted his head up. He was only a little bit shorter than James. 

James moistened his lips slightly. 

They stood still for a moment. Sirius laughed nervously, but it was more of an exhale and a smile than a laugh.

His concentration broke completely at the same moment the spell did. The distant look in James’s eyes faded. 

All they could hear was the other’s echoey breathing. 

Looking back, it could have been either one of them. Maybe both of them. But no matter whose fault it was, James’s lips landed softly on Sirius’s, or Sirius’s lips landed softly on James’s, and neither one knew what they were doing as they had never kissed anyone before that. 

**1975**

“I miss Lily,” James whined. “I miss her.”

“Yeah, you miss her when she uses the loo in between classes,” Sirius murmured in reply, twirling James’s hair between his fingers. 

“Have some sympathy, mate. Imagine if I was gone for two weeks.”

“I lived eleven years without you, you know.”

“Can't miss what you didn't know.” James caught Sirius’s hand and squeezed it lightly. Sirius snorted. 

Sirius spoke in mocking falsetto. “‘I’m James Potter, I’m dangerously codependent on someone who wouldn't give me the time of day, I like high cheekbones and soft hair and trim waists but I won't shag Sirius because -- ’” 

“I don't sound like that. Brush up, mate.” James let go of Sirius’s hand and leaned back against his friend's lean chest, closing his eyes and listening to Sirius's steady heartbeat. 

“Oh, I'm sorry.” Sirius wrapped his arms around James's torso, pulling him closer. He spoke low and gruff. “My name is James Potter and I won't shag Sirius because -- ”

James laughed and sat up indignantly. “My name is Sirius Black and I am hopelessly and understandably in love with -- ”

“Oh, you wish I was in love with you.”

“Hey, I didn't say it was me,” James countered, raising an eyebrow.

Sirius rolled his eyes. He draped his arms over the back of the common room sofa. 

“Who are you in love with, then? You keep coming back late after dinner with hickeys, don't think I haven't noticed.” James playfully slapped Sirius as though scolding him for some unforgivable transgression. 

“I'm clumsier than I let on,” Sirius mused. James flopped against Sirius pleadingly. 

“Please please please tell me, I tell you everything, I really do,” James whined. “I’ve been waiting for _hours_ to bring it up, come on, tell me. I really _do_ tell you everything.” 

“Yeah, and I wish you didn't.” Sirius scrunched up his nose.

“Is it Marlene? Is it? I thought you said you wouldn't snog her if it was the end of the world!”

“It's not Marlene!” Sirius protested. 

James covered his mouth. “Merlin, is it McGo--”

“I hate you so indescribably much.” Sirius pulled his collar up and loosened his tie. 

James tsked and nimbly pulled Sirius's reluctant fingers back. “Lemme see, here.” He tugged at Sirius's shirt, revealing strong collarbones and - glory - deep red and purple marks. He whistled. Sirius rolled his eyes. “Couldn't you have just healed them?” he wondered aloud.

“What's the fun in that?” Sirius smirked slightly. James slapped him lightly. 

“Five points from Gryffindor for cheek,” he mock-scolded, and Sirius groaned.

“Mate, you’re a prefect right now; you’re actually docking points.” During the two or three days of the month that Remus was MIA, James took over his prefect duties. He frequently forgot this. 

James smiled carelessly. “I guess you’ll have to earn them back.” 

“You've got an inferiority complex, I swear.” Sirius shook his hair out. James caught the familiar scent - the clean, masculine smell of Sirius Black - and took a deep breath. 

Sirius smiled down at him for longer than necessary. He pressed a light kiss to the top of James’s head. James settled down contentedly. “You really won’t tell me?” James prodded again, his eyes half-shut. 

Sirius recalled the husky breathing, the strong hands on his hips. “I really won’t tell you.” He tipped James’s head up by the chin and looked at his best friend upside down. 

“You’d tell me if it was someone we were both friends with?” James said, a little strained by the angle. He turned around, shifting his weight so that he was facing Sirius, the pair intertwined. 

The portrait swung open and Davey Gudgeon stomped through the narrow passageway, covered in mud. He glowered at James, who looked up and met his gaze, suppressing a rather mad giggle. “What’r you looking at?” he mumbled, pulling his dripping outer robes off. They waited for him to disappear up the dormitory stairs. 

“Kiss me already, won’t you, Pads?” James teased when he looked back at Sirius and saw that his pupils were considerably expanded. He playfully bumped their noses together and Sirius blinked slowly. “Oh wait, you have someone else for that.” 

Sirius leaned forward and kissed James chastely. James became hotly aware of Sirius’s arms around him as the latter pulled away for a second, but James pulled him back. He held Sirius’s head in his, kissing him more roughly than he’d kiss a girl, more deeply than he’d kiss anyone. It was a few more moments before he broke it off. 

James studied Sirius’s face more closely than he usually did. _If things were different, they’d be different._

“Doesn’t have to mean anything,” Sirius said after a few seconds, sounding like an echo rather than a statement. 

**1976**

Some nights, Sirius couldn’t sleep. Most nights, actually, but sometimes he just needed to be close to someone else. And usually James slept like a log, but tonight, he didn’t.

“What are you thinking about?” he whispered in the dark, his cockney manner almost indecipherable.

“Nothin’.”

“S’never nothin’. Potions?”

“Yeah, potions.”

“Really?”

“No.”

James huffed a little but feel silent, to Sirius’ relief. But then he started talking again, just breathing out words. “I just can’t fall asleep, Pads.”

“Yeah, neither can I.” Sirius allowed a trace of annoyance to creep into his voice. He tugged the covers closer to him.

“Okay.” A few more moments of silence passed. Then Sirius felt the covers jerking slightly. He turned over and saw that James’ brow was creased, his jaw slightly slack. His hand was moving under the cover.

“Mate, seriously?”

“I can’t sleep!”

“I’m right here!” Sirius rolled his eyes, though the gesture was lost in the dark.

“Is it different if you’re a bed away?”

“Yeah, it is, actually.” Sirius resigned himself slightly though. He watched James’ face, feeling more at peace as his friend started panting a little harder, stifling sounds that would stir Remus and Peter.

Sirius let his hand slip under the waistband of his pants. He toyed absently with his half-hard cock as he watched James thrust needily into his fist. He let his mind wander to other things -- what they might do if Remus and Peter weren’t mere feet away.

He didn’t think of James like that, of course. But sex was sex, and James was having a wank a few inches away from him.

He imagined James holding him down as he pressed his cock deep inside of him, thrusting in and out like he was pumping his hand right now. He wondered how it would feel to be filled up by something other than his own fingers.

“What’r you thinking about now?” James asked breathily. It was whorish.

“You fucking me blind and choking me till I’m hitting you to let me go,” Sirius answered, half-snarkily but half-thoughtfully, his main goal to catch James off guard. He was surprised at the jolt of heat towards his groin as he whispered the thought aloud. “You?” he asked. 

“Evans,” he answered predictably. “Her getting that mouth on me. Looking up through her lashes.” He let out a small groan at that. 

Suddenly, he flipped over and pressed his hot mouth to Sirius’s. 

Sirius moaned involuntarily and James covered his mouth with his to stifle the sound, pulling his hands through his hair, kissing him, kissing him more. 

“And I mean, now I’m thinking about having you pinned up against the wall outside Ogg’s horsepen, right there in daylight -- anyone could see us, let ‘em -- I’d go slow and deep, have you begging, then I’d fuck you so hard you wouldn’t be able to breathe -- ” James whispered in his ear, tonguing against his neck. 

“You’d pin my wrists against the rock so I couldn’t move -- ” Sirius half-gasped, his hand flying over his cock, brushing James. 

“Yeah, you’d be mine, Pads, I’d mark you up so everyone’d know -- up and down your neck -- ” 

“Would you really?” 

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed someone else has been.” 

Sirius flushed in the dark and kissed James to shut him up. 

James continued to whisper, dirty promises he’d never act on, and his voice suddenly cracked and his back arched. A second later, he let out a slow, strangled sigh, followed by a yawn. He rolled off of Sirius. 

Sirius stroked himself in silence for a minute more, letting his head fall back, and came with a quiet grunt. He Vanished the mess and felt drowsiness take him.

“D’you reckon Evans likes perfume?” James asked through another yawn, stretching and hitting Sirius in the face. Sirius snorted and rested his head against James’ chest. His friend accepted the gesture and loosely draped an arm around Sirius’ shoulders.

“Eat shit,” Sirius mumbled in reply, and they soon fell asleep.

**1977**

“Our last Hogwarts Christmas,” James mused, his arm around Lily. “Can you believe it?” 

“I never had a Christmas outside of Hogwarts,” Remus chimed in. He had both hands wrapped around his hot chocolate. His hands got cold easily. 

“Really? We’ll have to get together once we’re out there in the real world.” Lily smiled and toasted Remus. 

Sirius lounged on the other half of the Common Room sofa. They pretty much had the run of the school this holiday season - not many parents wanted their kids at Hogwarts at this time. They didn’t want to spend what could be their last Christmas without their kids. 

Peter could have gone home. His mum sent him three Howlers before she gave up trying to drag him back. 

It was things like that that Sirius would never admit he loved about Peter. 

“Mistletoe, mistletoe!” Marlene hiccuped, her blonde curls bouncing as she jumped up and down with the tiny sprig. “Couple - Lily - James!” she giggled, apparently incapable of forming a complete sentence. Sirius smiled and pulled her into his lap. She winked at him and started laughing uncontrollably, flinging the mistletoe at James and Lily. 

James, inexplicably, blushed, and Lily had to take it upon herself to press her lips properly against James’s. He twirled a finger through her long, red hair. Sirius felt a slight pang at the sight. 

“Peter, Peter, kiss me!’ Marlene pleaded, holding out a pathetically small greenish twig. Peter laughed and swooped down on her, pecking her cheek. She beamed. 

“Yes, I’m still alive,” Remus called good-naturedly, and Marlene hopped up and kissed him on the cheek. “Hope you don’t mind, Pads,” Remus said sincerely, though Sirius knew that Remus knew that they both knew no one gave a shit. 

“And for my favorite couple,” Lily added, reaching her arm out as far as it went. “The real, the inseparable, Padfoot and Prongs!” 

A round of hooting laughter. An anonymous wolf whistle that Peter, Remus, and Marlene would all later claim credit for. 

With Lily’s legs still across his lap, James twisted around and pressed his open mouth to Sirius’s. Marlene laughed as the pair kissed, the six of them completely relaxed. In the midst of war, completely happy. 

Sirius felt warm and full with James against him, and the sensation lasted for a moment after he pulled away, all eyes on Lily again. He smiled, and he let the smile reach his eyes. 

Later, the fire was dying. Peter and Remus had already gone up. James and Sirius found themselves giggling, alone, and drunk by the hearth. Maybe they weren’t alone. Maybe Lily was still sitting there, half-awake. It didn’t matter. 

“You’re pretty,” James told him, or half-told him as he was giggling too hard to form real words. 

Sirius paused. “I know,” he said, and they collapsed onto each other, laughing until they were out of breath. 

James sighed and started to pull Sirius’s Christmas sweater up and over his head. Sirius wiggled out of the warm wool and let it fall to the side. He cupped Sirius’s chin and tipped it up. “Look, Pads,” he whispered. “What d’you see?” 

“It’s dark,” Sirius giggled. 

“I see mistletoe,” James said quietly, and Sirius leaned back on the hearth, pulling James down with him. 

“I don’t see any mistletoe,” Sirius mumbled, pulling James towards him, kissing him slowly, deeply, his arms wrapped around him. “You need new glasses.” 

They stayed like that for a few minutes, or maybe the sun had already come up. Their hands wandered but their mouths never did. All Sirius wanted was to be closer to James, as close to him as he could be, and then his heart could be full. 

“Life is so fucking short,” he told Marlene later as he hauled her to the base of her dorm stairs, where Lily was waiting to help her friend up. 

Marlene nodded sagely and booped him on the nose. 

**1978**

They were alone again. It happened so often these days - showers after Quidditch, waking up late and running down to breakfast together - Sirius wondered how much of it could be chance. 

A house-elf dumped a log twice its size on the fire in their dorm. He squeaked when James and Sirius stumbled in, tipsy and laughing, dragging each other by their robes. Sirius plopped down in the window alcove, feeling the cold glass against the back of his neck. 

“Did you know Peter has a girlfriend?” James slurred slightly, joining Sirius in the alcove. Right next to him. Practically on top of him. 

“Who?” Sirius roared with laughter at the notion. 

“McGonagall,” James laughed, half-punching Sirius in the shoulder. They hooted, clutching their aching sides, everything made funnier in the warm haze of alcohol. 

“You know who doesn’t have a girlfriend?” Sirius said suddenly, and James heard his voice deep in his chest as his head right over Sirius’s heart. “You.” And they laughed so hard. The lie became funnier than anything in the world. 

James snorted. “Neither d’you.” 

“I’ve got Moony, he’s close enough,” Sirius fired back. 

“And you’ve got me, your housewife.” James had stupid grin plastered across his face. He adjusted himself so that he was half-straddling Sirius, their foreheads pressed together. The intimacy was not unwelcome. “Why can’t I have you?” he murmured thoughtlessly. 

Sirius didn’t even seem fazed by the question. “I think you know that better than me.” 

“I don’t,” James said. 

“Why get me alone if you’re not going to do anything about it?” Sirius asked, half-accusing. 

“About what?” 

“This. You know.” Sirius wasn’t speaking softly anymore. He seemed a bit upset. His eyes were bright. 

“No, I don’t know,” James told him, a little snappishly, pulling back. 

Sirius half-scowled. “I think you do.” 

James leaned forward and kissed Sirius drunkenly, angrily, hatefully. He pulled his hair and tugged his robes off of his shoulders. Sirius pulled away with a soft _pop_ and his breathing came fast and heavy, his eyes dark with uncertainty, anger stirring in the back of his throat. 

“Are you leading me on, Prongs?” he said quietly, not quite letting James kiss him. 

“Pads, Pads, let me _fucking kiss you, _mate, no one’s leading anyone.” James leaned forward again but Sirius flinched away. James stopped, his face etched with confusion.__

__“You’re with Evans, right? You can’t be with me. It doesn’t work that way.”_ _

__“Sirius,” James sighed, and Sirius frowned at the sound of his real name. “Just _shut up. _” He kissed him. He ran his thumbs over Sirius’s jaw. Sirius could taste the Firewhiskey on him, hot and bitter. “God, I love you,” he mumbled.___ _

____Sirius shoved him and James tumbled away gracelessly. “James!” Sirius shouted. James looked up, his glasses askew. His eyes were shining. “Why - can’t you just - ” Sirius threw his hands down, stood up, and felt his sinuses sting. “Go to hell. Honestly.”_ _ _ _

____James’s eyes tracked Sirius as best they could across the room. Sirius disappeared, and James sat alone by the fire, not knowing what had gone wrong except that now, now everything was wrong._ _ _ _

____**1980** _ _ _ _

____When James finally found Sirius, he was undone._ _ _ _

____His hair was longer. Almost to his elbows. He hadn’t bothered to brush it. His ivory complexion was papery._ _ _ _

____“Sirius?” James said softly. Sirius’s eyes were closed. His knuckles were white - in his hands, he clutched an old book. Maybe a photo album, or a diary._ _ _ _

____“I proposed,” James said loudly. “To Lily.”_ _ _ _

____“Thank you, for the clarification,” Sirius slurred. Of course he was drunk. “I would’ve assumed it was to Peter, otherwise.”_ _ _ _

____“Aren’t you happy?” James asked. He wanted to slap himself for asking, but he had to know. It’d been six months since he’d seen him and he still had to know._ _ _ _

____“Happy?” Sirius echoed. His voice was raspy, like he’d forgotten the word._ _ _ _

____“For Lily and me?”_ _ _ _

____Sirius dropped the book. It fell open to reveal scraggly cursive handwriting. “Yeah, I’m happy for you. Both of you. Star-crossed and all that.” Sirius waved it off, his head bobbing slightly. “You’re happy, aren’t you?” he continued. He wouldn’t meet his eyes._ _ _ _

____“You’ll be the best man?” James confirmed, a little wary._ _ _ _

____“I dunno, I already promised I’d be Lily’s maid of honor.” Sirius grinned broadly, but it was an empty grin. A whisky grin._ _ _ _

____“She’ll have to make do,” James laughed shakily, clapping Sirius on the shoulder. “But really?”_ _ _ _

____“Seeing as I am quite literally the best man on the face of the hearth, I suppose you leave me with very little choice.” Sirius could imagine the glow in Evans’s eyes. It radiated off of James, however muted. “You’re the luckiest damn bloke in the UK, Prongs,” he continued._ _ _ _

____“God, I know it. What are Muggle weddings like? I s’pose she’d like a Muggle wedding, she likes most things Muggle…” James was in his own world, back in the whirlwind fantasy. Anything to distract from the sight in front of him. “You’ll have to cut your hair. Or braid it. We could braid it,” he laughed._ _ _ _

____Sirius shook his head and smiled. “You got the girl, Prongs. I’m just bloody proud.”_ _ _ _

____James felt a hot tear drop. He lurched forward and pulled Sirius in for a long hug. Six months melted away and Sirius felt James’s arms around him, too tight and never tight enough. When they pulled apart, James kept his hands linked behind Sirius’s back._ _ _ _

____Sirius looked up into James’s hazel-brown eyes and saw himself dimly reflected there. He let his gaze trace the straight line of James’s nose, his lips pulled thin in a dream-like grin, his eyes watering. Sirius remembered crying. He remembered screaming, crying, disapparating. Blood. He remembered crying._ _ _ _

____He didn’t want James to cry. “Hey, I think I’m in need of a coffee or something,” Sirius hinted, and James nodded in fervent agreement._ _ _ _

____“You can stay with us, Sirius,” James said, his voice cracking slightly. “Regulus wouldn’t have wanted you to - ”_ _ _ _

____“It doesn’t really matter,” Sirius cut him off bitterly. “It doesn’t really matter, what Regulus would have wanted. I don’t want to talk about him, and I’m the one who’s alive, so how about we respect my real wishes above his potential ones?”_ _ _ _

____James tried to take his hand, but Sirius drew back. He tensed, curling back up, trembling slightly. “I love you, James,” he said, and on the name, he heaved a dry sob. “God, I love you. Please, leave.”_ _ _ _

____“I love you too, Pads, please come back with me - please - ”_ _ _ _

____“Tell Lily - I will be there. I will be there for your wedding, I will be there for you and for Lily. I just - please go.”_ _ _ _

____Sirius disapparated, leaving James alone in Regulus’s dark, dusty bedroom._ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos is lovely, but I thrive off of comments. If you enjoyed this work, please leave a comment! Lots of love :)


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